Zander Mahaffey and Leelah Alcorn, On a bridge too far and fallen stars.


His name was Zander, he was a young boy who needed help, now he’s been lain to rest under a stone with the wrong name by a family who if they could have seen past their own bloody mindedness could have had a wonderful son. Her name was Leelah, she was lain to rest in a suit under a male name because her parents decided their faith was more important than their beautiful daughter who needed support and love, not “fixing”.

On march the 7th in memory of the fallen some in the community will be marking their bodies with a simple star. I will be joining them. We’ve all lost friends, allies, band mentors to suicide somewhere along the line, and this time we have to say ENOUGH. Reparative therapy of trans kids does not work, the church know it, the so called therapists know it, it’s time to consider whether for the childs welfare those subjected to this torture, or whose parents turn away from them in time of need should be considered for compulsory therapy themselves. Rather than claiming life after life trying to cure the incurable.

Trans lives matter , and I am sick of seeing the victims lives treated secondary to the parents selfish, and often downright dangerous wishes. Anyway there’s not much more to say. Rest in peace Starboy, rest in peace Leelah. To any out there thinking of taking that route, please reconsider, there’s a veritable army of brothers and sisters and a whole world in between out there right now who have your back, we’ll be there for you and all ya need to do is say the word. You are never alone, never ever ever forget that. All you’ve gotta do is say the word. Anyway this is unchained signing out, to those out there looking for help, don’t give up, neveer give up on who you truly are. Also to all our Brothers out there, never forget we’re rooting for you too. Hang in there dudes.

Autogynephilia theory, on vested interests, and precedents set.


Ok time to dive in at the deep end yet again, it is time to discuss Autogynephilia theory.

Now to start opening this can of worms maybe we should begin by actually breaking down the theory itself, from there we can point out the fundemental flaws in this theory much more easily.

Autogynephilia theory is a theory coined by doctor Blanchard to divide transsexuality into 2 categories, the first of these categories is suprise suprise the homosexual transsexual,the second category being autogynephiliac transsexual. The first category is supposedly made up of transsexuals who transition for the male gaze, any non surgical transsexual person blanchard discusses he seems to shove into this category. The second the autogynephile is apparently any transsexual who is aroused by the thought of sex with themselves in a female body.

This theory has so many problems it is beyond belief, and its impact on us as a community is huge.

So now we know the theory maybe it’s time to discuss these flaws.

1. The homosexual transsexual, this is one huge issue from start to finish, it is based entirely on harmful stereotypes, assumes that trans folks are just gay men in denial, and to top it all off insultingly mislabels its victims. A trans woman who is attracted to men is precisely that, not a homosexual transsexual but a transsexual woman with an attraction to men. this myth is a direct contributory factor in Irans policy of surgical assault upon any individual with a history of crossdressing or who is unfortunate enough to be found to be homosexual . This is why this fundementally flawed point must be stopped, its perpetuation provides an excuse for surgical assault upon any individual who does not fit perfectly into the non trans, binary identified, heteronormative paradigm.

2. Transsexual people are still people, the autogynephilia theory seems to forget this . I may be aesexual myself but looking in I can see quite clearly human beings are a very sexual race for the large majority of cases. Most peoples bodily perceptions help define their sexuality, but what happens when that perception does not match with the body. Is the individual supposed to deny the existence of their sexual desires? or are they supposed to try to play along using a body that never ever fit who they were? a body that odds are repulses them.

Autogynephilia theory is nothing short of a deliberate act of sexuality shaming and control.The entire theory seems to be using a transsexual persons own bodily awareness , and often their own internalised transphobia as a weapon against them. It assumes that a trans persons sexuality defines every other factor of their life . It is insulting to everybody, assuming gay individuals transition due to lack of  strength to be themselves, that they must find above all else conceal their sexuality . It spreads about a meme that leads to direct surgical assault, that leads to reparative therapy despite the fact reparative therapy for transsexuality has been proven not to work and to also act as a contributory factor in increased suicide risk, worsening depression, and in some cases post traumatic stress if attempted. This theory also erases the existence of aesexual transsexuals such as myself, And is based on a theory of transsexuality that uses horribly out of date information and is fundementally flawed,

and finally 3. this theory was proposed and backed by individuals known to support reparative therapy including in one case a well known ex gay therapist. There were inadequate controls in the research and a clear bias was displayed throughout with weighted questions and cherrypicking of candidates.

As such Blanchards theory of autogynephilia and the linked theory autoandrophilia  are fundementally flawed, perpetuate harmful myths that damage individuals right across the LGBT spectrum, and all in all are merely sexuality shaming in a new guise. Our community already has enough of that to begin with in healthcare but that is an article for another day.

Hello dear monster. (trigger warning)


Hello stranger,

remember me?

what has been seen cannot be unseen

Memories should be a gift,

just wish I could return what you left me with,

the lightest of touches makes me shudder within,

like shards of glass scraping under my skin.

The breath of nightmares passing over my flesh,

no more peace,

no more smiles,

no more rest.

Hello demon,

I hope you despise what I’ve become,

you wanted a cowering victim,

but instead I just got strong.

Oh my precious monster,

how I hate you,

the harm you did,

I can never undo.

I’ve been expecting your visit,

but I’m no victim anymore,

hello my dear monster,

I’ve sharpened my claws.

You ask me to become you,

that I’ll never do,

the claws that you gave me ,

I’ll turn them on you

For those who still believe trans people support gender roles and choose their identity. (warning highly triggerry)


I am sick and tired of people making it sound like life as a trans person is a massive thrill ride of male privilege sunshine lollipops and rainbows. Most of the people who do so wouldn’t know the truth of transsexuality if it bit them on the ass. So I figured I’d try to tell my story so people can see what trans life is really like.

Right lets try this another way, for now I will use the term self integrity in the place of gender as in self identity, and use gender as a term to describe gender roles place in society etc. I chose the term self integrity for a reason, it is something constant and unwavering inside myself that has never changed, even as my perceptions of gender and the world around it have shifted.

Even before I knew the biological differences between boys and girls I knew who I was, I knew that parts of my body shouldn’t be there as long as I can remember. I physically had to concentrate to pee, my body responded in ways that physically repulsed me it wasn’t just feeling like a woman as you put it, that is a gross oversimplification. It is more like something felt fundementally wrong with me, like if you woke up with an extra head one morning level of dissonance, forcing me to ask questions no child of any age should ever have to ask themselves, why is my body so freakish.What the hell is wrong with me? About this point in my life gender started to be something rigidly enforced, like the entire world was trying to fix me as something was claimed to be wrong with me , but I knew who I was, and fought my little 5 year old heart out to be myself. Against such odds who could win?I was forced into a male gender , and even a toe out of line was penalised harshly, childhood toys destroyed in front of me, as I got older assaults were commonplace as people felt something off About me and were more than willing to use fists weapons spit on you sexually assault you , and any means were considered my own fault for something I didn’t even understand.

Through all this I stifled my self integrity, retreating into myself. At 10 years old I made my first suicide attempt. Tied a dressing gown cord around my neck , and the bunk beds, and jumped off. I passed out just as the cord snapped. My second attempt I was 11 years old I attempted to electrocute myself, even that had to be better than living stuck in a body that in no way belonged to me, that would never reflect who I was.

By the age of 18 I was alcoholic, suicidally depressed, and had buried myself so deeply my self integrity long since smothered by 2 sets of gender  conditioning, 1 set normal for a male of non trans origins the other set comparing myself to all those women in my life, mothers friends, family, the models on the catwalk, until something inside me broke, Seeing the perfect little stepford wives types on tv repulsed me as much as the macho men , All gender roles are complete and utter bullshit, a failing system propped up by years of misoginy. That was when I figured that out, but that didn’t make me any less a freak. My entire body was still like an ever changing monstrosity, the enemy, Eventually at 23 I learned of gender transition, and tracked down my doctor to ask for a referral. Until that point the only exposure I’d ever had to transsexual realities was sadly the jerrry springer show,was I supposed to like men? Because they did nothing for me but terrify me, then again I was scared of a lot of women too, all people hurt.

I eventually got to the gender clinic and was pleasantly surprised with the pre screening counsellor, he respected that we did not want to live our lives as eternal stereotypes, encouraged activities outside the binary gender , and reminded me of my self integrity , so deeply buried for so long. Encouraged me to be myself, above anything else. That made it extra jarring what came next, I was literally LOST for a year they lost my file and didn’t even bother contacting me. Then I got to the psychiatrist, she was obsessed with gender and forcing the roles, they wanted a satire of humanity, I had a choice, do or die. I jumped through their hoops then they decided to try to get me classed as mentally unable to decide for myself. They used my autism to try to cancel treatment and take away my physical and financial autonomy, and push me into supported accomodation.

They failed . I am still in transition, not for gender roles, those labels are bullshit but for my self integrity. For a body that physically matches and doesn’t make me miserable,

I know I’ll never have kids, and I’m OK with that even if it hurts like hell , I know that I could never ever ever have been the father of a child, the fact I will never be a mother either is something I learned to live with. Like everything else in my screwed up life,

I now dedicate my life to making sure some other kid doesn’t have to suffer through this shit. To trying to remind the gender clinics they are supposed to help the patient, forcing these roles upon them and refusing treatments until you act according to gender does NOT do that, in the end what matters is our integrity, our inner selves, if the bodies don’t match why should we be denied help? We know who we are, I am a woman of trans history and proud of it.