Seriously , Fuck the bathroom debate.


This is doing my head in, week after sodding week the stupid bathroom debate comes round, and every time it ends the same way. Threats, misgendering, then it devolves yet further to the old fallbacks of misogynistic comments from self appointed allies of the trans community on one side, and the ever classic reversion to biological essentialism on the other.

Predictable as godwins law by this time, and it never achieves anything.For the record a lot of transwomen use the radar rooms (ungendered facilities designed for people with a valid reason they cannot change in communal facilities) when we go swimming to avoid precisely this bullshit, yet apparently even that isn’t good enough, I’ve been cornered on exiting the disabled toilets by 6 men who followed to “sort the fucking freak out” once before, thankfully I was saved after using the emergency chord to summon help, however for doing so as it was technically misuse I was fined.

What gave me away as trans? may have had something to do with using an ungendered facility mayhaps? Oh well past is past.

However given the distinct lack of ungendered facilities in most places it does produce problems, you ever try holding your bladder for hours at a time?  how about days? my current record is 2 days straight, and all this can be solved so simply , warning in advance this will sound crazy encourage construction of additional gender neutral facilities when building with private cubicles so nobody should ever see anything they don’t need to. Or even crazier, fit all bathrooms and changing areas with cubicles of a decent size, have changing outside said facilities be viewed legally as exposure in the same way as changing in the streets would be. That way nobody sees what they do not need to, people get to change in privacy, and nobody gets assaulted, while we’re at it how about fitting proper doors and walls to cubicles that don’t have a bloody half foot gap at floor level .

Mispronouning, gender therapy, and the fallout. (extreme trigger warning)


Quite a few people come to us to discuss the validity of our identity, that in itself would be fine, however the manner of approach is not.

“I respect you as a woman but……….” do you see the problems there? let me break it down for those who failed to grasp the issues.

Problem 1, but………. , this is fairly simple really, if you respect somebody as who they are would you really need to add the but?, let’s rephrase it a little, “I respect you as a human being but…….” How about “I respect your opinion but……..,” try “I respect you as not a complete asshole but………” Now once more with feeling do you respect my identity or not? adding a proviso to respecting my identity just shows me you have about as much respect for my identity as is convenient for you at the time, it tells me your respect for me is worth precisely jack shit.

Problem 2. If you respect me as a woman why would you need to validate it in such a way? would you go up to a white hetero non trans individual and say “I respect you as a white hetero non transsexual”? didn’t think so, why not? because if you respect a person then you don’t just play lip service to respect, you respect a person in your actions. So we reach my problem, in many communities the but mentioned earlier is added , “I respect you as a woman but you are not a woman” being the usual one . So you respect my identity yet you are now going to completely invalidate it? So respectful. Here’s the kicker though, did you know when you say those words to a trans woman, or tell  a trans man you are not a man you are not the first person to tell them that?

It is standard practice in the gender clinics to remind all trans women of this fact throughout the process, because believe it or not, despite whatever you may have been told gender transition is an actively discouraged practice within the NHS.

Transition takes usually a minimum of half a decade, during that time do you assume we are helped? no, what happens during that time is all the indoctrination of a childhood, all the misoginy, all the bullshit, neatly compressed into 5 years. During transition you don’t get forced into present day gender roles, you get pushed back into roles better suited to the 1940s. Dress adrogyne, refused treatment, dress too masculine, rejected, dress like any other woman on the street and you’ll be told you’re not even trying.

Ever been refused medical care because your eyebrows weren’t waxed? I have, have you ever had a medical professional laughing behind your back as you walk away from hospital? How about having your records actively lost for over a year?

Oh also did I forget to mention the NHS have an additional requirement before hormones? a period of time living full time in role, that means going out every single day presenting as best you can as the gender you are transitioning to.

While this gender roles bootcamp is ongoing people outside the medical system decide to attempt DIY reparative therapy, corrective rape, assault, being spat on, cursed at, and publicly humiliated are day to day routine if you do not pass, and believe me no matter how good you are those first few months you will not pass.

Over recent years I have been assaulted over 30 times, had a knife shoved in my face twice, being sexually assaulted more times than I care to count , and being raped twice. After the second assault I couldn’t even go to the police again, I was crossexamined by a male officer after a sexual assault, who repeatedly mispronouned me, made it clear it was all my fault, and did fuck all to find my attacker.

My dentist is now advising me my jaw may need surgical correction for the sheer number of hits it has taken, it cracks every time it moves. All these attacks have one common factor, they all start with somebody guessing my birth sex, when you deliberately or accidentally use the wrong pronoun it isn’t big, clever, or harmless.

Those 5 little words are like a cork in a bottle of trauma, every time they are said all that pain, all those memories, all the nightmares spill out. I’m pinned again while that maniac holds a knife to my face and mutters how he thinks I’d like it if he cut it off then raped the wound. I’m back in the park, alone where I was ditched by people who used to be my friends, when they found out about my transition used those 5 little words. I’m surrounded again by 5 grown men all the other people around just walking by looking away, none of them will stick their neck out for me because “you are not a woman” Those words to a trans woman are trauma incarnate. Still think mispronouning does no harm?

If so go back read again and think about it a little, then come back and talk to me I’ll be happy to do so in a respectful and polite manner, however if you mispronoun me I reserve the right to be pissed off.

He used to……..


did you hear about him? he used to………

my mind shuts off,

they used to what?

bury who they were inside?

pretend to be the thing they despised?

swallow all their pride?

wear a disguise to survive?

or simply deny, their inner self?

They used to shut it all away,

try to play the fucking game,

that took their dignity away,

led their spirit all astray,

and let their misery hold sway.

As they tried so hard to be the same,

as all the normal folks.

Until one day,

he looked in the mirror,

saw through the veneer,

and saw her staring back,

then SNAP

all the wasted years came flooding back,

shattered the mask.

She remembers what she was before,

the wounds still raw. YES she used to,

not anymore.

For those who still believe trans people support gender roles and choose their identity. (warning highly triggerry)


I am sick and tired of people making it sound like life as a trans person is a massive thrill ride of male privilege sunshine lollipops and rainbows. Most of the people who do so wouldn’t know the truth of transsexuality if it bit them on the ass. So I figured I’d try to tell my story so people can see what trans life is really like.

Right lets try this another way, for now I will use the term self integrity in the place of gender as in self identity, and use gender as a term to describe gender roles place in society etc. I chose the term self integrity for a reason, it is something constant and unwavering inside myself that has never changed, even as my perceptions of gender and the world around it have shifted.

Even before I knew the biological differences between boys and girls I knew who I was, I knew that parts of my body shouldn’t be there as long as I can remember. I physically had to concentrate to pee, my body responded in ways that physically repulsed me it wasn’t just feeling like a woman as you put it, that is a gross oversimplification. It is more like something felt fundementally wrong with me, like if you woke up with an extra head one morning level of dissonance, forcing me to ask questions no child of any age should ever have to ask themselves, why is my body so freakish.What the hell is wrong with me? About this point in my life gender started to be something rigidly enforced, like the entire world was trying to fix me as something was claimed to be wrong with me , but I knew who I was, and fought my little 5 year old heart out to be myself. Against such odds who could win?I was forced into a male gender , and even a toe out of line was penalised harshly, childhood toys destroyed in front of me, as I got older assaults were commonplace as people felt something off About me and were more than willing to use fists weapons spit on you sexually assault you , and any means were considered my own fault for something I didn’t even understand.

Through all this I stifled my self integrity, retreating into myself. At 10 years old I made my first suicide attempt. Tied a dressing gown cord around my neck , and the bunk beds, and jumped off. I passed out just as the cord snapped. My second attempt I was 11 years old I attempted to electrocute myself, even that had to be better than living stuck in a body that in no way belonged to me, that would never reflect who I was.

By the age of 18 I was alcoholic, suicidally depressed, and had buried myself so deeply my self integrity long since smothered by 2 sets of gender  conditioning, 1 set normal for a male of non trans origins the other set comparing myself to all those women in my life, mothers friends, family, the models on the catwalk, until something inside me broke, Seeing the perfect little stepford wives types on tv repulsed me as much as the macho men , All gender roles are complete and utter bullshit, a failing system propped up by years of misoginy. That was when I figured that out, but that didn’t make me any less a freak. My entire body was still like an ever changing monstrosity, the enemy, Eventually at 23 I learned of gender transition, and tracked down my doctor to ask for a referral. Until that point the only exposure I’d ever had to transsexual realities was sadly the jerrry springer show,was I supposed to like men? Because they did nothing for me but terrify me, then again I was scared of a lot of women too, all people hurt.

I eventually got to the gender clinic and was pleasantly surprised with the pre screening counsellor, he respected that we did not want to live our lives as eternal stereotypes, encouraged activities outside the binary gender , and reminded me of my self integrity , so deeply buried for so long. Encouraged me to be myself, above anything else. That made it extra jarring what came next, I was literally LOST for a year they lost my file and didn’t even bother contacting me. Then I got to the psychiatrist, she was obsessed with gender and forcing the roles, they wanted a satire of humanity, I had a choice, do or die. I jumped through their hoops then they decided to try to get me classed as mentally unable to decide for myself. They used my autism to try to cancel treatment and take away my physical and financial autonomy, and push me into supported accomodation.

They failed . I am still in transition, not for gender roles, those labels are bullshit but for my self integrity. For a body that physically matches and doesn’t make me miserable,

I know I’ll never have kids, and I’m OK with that even if it hurts like hell , I know that I could never ever ever have been the father of a child, the fact I will never be a mother either is something I learned to live with. Like everything else in my screwed up life,

I now dedicate my life to making sure some other kid doesn’t have to suffer through this shit. To trying to remind the gender clinics they are supposed to help the patient, forcing these roles upon them and refusing treatments until you act according to gender does NOT do that, in the end what matters is our integrity, our inner selves, if the bodies don’t match why should we be denied help? We know who we are, I am a woman of trans history and proud of it.