Zander Mahaffey and Leelah Alcorn, On a bridge too far and fallen stars.


His name was Zander, he was a young boy who needed help, now he’s been lain to rest under a stone with the wrong name by a family who if they could have seen past their own bloody mindedness could have had a wonderful son. Her name was Leelah, she was lain to rest in a suit under a male name because her parents decided their faith was more important than their beautiful daughter who needed support and love, not “fixing”.

On march the 7th in memory of the fallen some in the community will be marking their bodies with a simple star. I will be joining them. We’ve all lost friends, allies, band mentors to suicide somewhere along the line, and this time we have to say ENOUGH. Reparative therapy of trans kids does not work, the church know it, the so called therapists know it, it’s time to consider whether for the childs welfare those subjected to this torture, or whose parents turn away from them in time of need should be considered for compulsory therapy themselves. Rather than claiming life after life trying to cure the incurable.

Trans lives matter , and I am sick of seeing the victims lives treated secondary to the parents selfish, and often downright dangerous wishes. Anyway there’s not much more to say. Rest in peace Starboy, rest in peace Leelah. To any out there thinking of taking that route, please reconsider, there’s a veritable army of brothers and sisters and a whole world in between out there right now who have your back, we’ll be there for you and all ya need to do is say the word. You are never alone, never ever ever forget that. All you’ve gotta do is say the word. Anyway this is unchained signing out, to those out there looking for help, don’t give up, neveer give up on who you truly are. Also to all our Brothers out there, never forget we’re rooting for you too. Hang in there dudes.

To the individual who has been threatening me. On death threats and online pests.


To whom it may concern.

I received your letters, every single one of them. Yes that includes the death threats, and the ones threatening rape and torture, and I had just 1 question. Did you think this was news to me? That your threats would somehow cause me to cower in fear?

I am afraid I will have to disappoint you. You can threaten all you like, nothing you could ever do to me can be worse than I’ve already experienced. I will never back down, not to the likes of you. I will not stop posting, if you dislike a trans person posting online you are perfectly welcome to stop reading my stuff at any time you wish. I will not be afraid of you, in fact I pity you. So blinded by your own hate you can’t accept another human being for who they are. So fearful of difference you felt the need to stoop to this just to make your hollow life seem meaningful.

Meanwhile I will do nothing whatsoever differently, and will continue to do precisely what I need to do for my own well being.Feel free to hate me if that is what gets you through the day. Do not expect me to return the favour though. Hatred is a waste of energy that could be put to far better use. I wish you luck in your life and sincerely hope one day you get your life back onto a worthwhile course. Yours sincerely,

Aura Willow Hazel.

Autogynephilia theory, on vested interests, and precedents set.


Ok time to dive in at the deep end yet again, it is time to discuss Autogynephilia theory.

Now to start opening this can of worms maybe we should begin by actually breaking down the theory itself, from there we can point out the fundemental flaws in this theory much more easily.

Autogynephilia theory is a theory coined by doctor Blanchard to divide transsexuality into 2 categories, the first of these categories is suprise suprise the homosexual transsexual,the second category being autogynephiliac transsexual. The first category is supposedly made up of transsexuals who transition for the male gaze, any non surgical transsexual person blanchard discusses he seems to shove into this category. The second the autogynephile is apparently any transsexual who is aroused by the thought of sex with themselves in a female body.

This theory has so many problems it is beyond belief, and its impact on us as a community is huge.

So now we know the theory maybe it’s time to discuss these flaws.

1. The homosexual transsexual, this is one huge issue from start to finish, it is based entirely on harmful stereotypes, assumes that trans folks are just gay men in denial, and to top it all off insultingly mislabels its victims. A trans woman who is attracted to men is precisely that, not a homosexual transsexual but a transsexual woman with an attraction to men. this myth is a direct contributory factor in Irans policy of surgical assault upon any individual with a history of crossdressing or who is unfortunate enough to be found to be homosexual . This is why this fundementally flawed point must be stopped, its perpetuation provides an excuse for surgical assault upon any individual who does not fit perfectly into the non trans, binary identified, heteronormative paradigm.

2. Transsexual people are still people, the autogynephilia theory seems to forget this . I may be aesexual myself but looking in I can see quite clearly human beings are a very sexual race for the large majority of cases. Most peoples bodily perceptions help define their sexuality, but what happens when that perception does not match with the body. Is the individual supposed to deny the existence of their sexual desires? or are they supposed to try to play along using a body that never ever fit who they were? a body that odds are repulses them.

Autogynephilia theory is nothing short of a deliberate act of sexuality shaming and control.The entire theory seems to be using a transsexual persons own bodily awareness , and often their own internalised transphobia as a weapon against them. It assumes that a trans persons sexuality defines every other factor of their life . It is insulting to everybody, assuming gay individuals transition due to lack of  strength to be themselves, that they must find above all else conceal their sexuality . It spreads about a meme that leads to direct surgical assault, that leads to reparative therapy despite the fact reparative therapy for transsexuality has been proven not to work and to also act as a contributory factor in increased suicide risk, worsening depression, and in some cases post traumatic stress if attempted. This theory also erases the existence of aesexual transsexuals such as myself, And is based on a theory of transsexuality that uses horribly out of date information and is fundementally flawed,

and finally 3. this theory was proposed and backed by individuals known to support reparative therapy including in one case a well known ex gay therapist. There were inadequate controls in the research and a clear bias was displayed throughout with weighted questions and cherrypicking of candidates.

As such Blanchards theory of autogynephilia and the linked theory autoandrophilia  are fundementally flawed, perpetuate harmful myths that damage individuals right across the LGBT spectrum, and all in all are merely sexuality shaming in a new guise. Our community already has enough of that to begin with in healthcare but that is an article for another day.

Trapped meme, of prisons and language barriers.


Ok let’s get to opening this particular can o worms, the I am trapped in the wrong body meme has become a problem. This explanation was intended originally for one reason, to explain the unimaginable to people who could never ever in a billion years understand it, because they have no context from which to empathise, without the vital personal context trans realities are incredibly difficult, if not impossible to comprehend fully.

Explaining becomes somewhat like trying to describe a duck billed platypus to somebody who had never heard of a duck, or a beaver, or an otter.

The reality is my body is not a prison, not a cell, it is mine from head to toe, but here’s where it gets hard to explain. The issue lies in how a person percieves themselves, nobody had to tell most people they were male or female, they look at their bodies and compare to others and just know. From the day our bodies are born we have an awareness of who we are, an internal blueprint if you will. Observe a child some time in early infancy and you will see they may be a tad clumsy but even if the child cannot see or hear they are aware of their body.

They know where their feet are, their nose is, where every part of their body is that awareness is constant, even prior to social conditioning. If they suddenly grew extra parts they would no doubt be upset, why? because even as a child a brain knows what shape the body is, to suddenly alter that leads to extreme and distressing cognitive dissonance.

Now it gets tricky, the plainest evidence I can produce is the unusual phenomenon known as phantom limb. If a human being loses a limb it is a recorded phenomenon that 60 to 80 percent of cases the individual may retain sensations of movement and awareness of the presence of said limb or organ despite its loss.

This phenomenon is due to the fact the body is neurologically mapped by the brain, as evidenced by experiments showing that holding a mirror between missing and attached limb make it physically possible to stop the phantom limb itching by scratching the existing arm. Remove the mirror and the same results cannot be achieved.

In cases of transsexualism the same issue arises, the blueprints our brains are following do not seem to match to the current form of our bodies, talking therapies have of course been tested, however in all cases the experiments failed. In my life I have heard of every kind of reparative therapy you could care to imagine used in an attempt to “cure” us, from talking therapy, ammonia therapy, and exorcism, right through to electro convulsion therapy altered for use as an aversion therapy.

For proof of how ineffective said treatments are look to the barbaric case often heralded as the proof that all of a persons identity is socially defined the tragic case of  David Reimer (August 22, 1965 – May 5, 2004) was a Canadian man who was born as a healthy male, but was sexually reassigned and raised as female after his penis was accidentally destroyed during circumcision Psychologist john money oversaw the case and reported the reassignment as successful, and as evidence that gender identity is primarily learned. Academic sexologist Milton Diamond later reported that Reimer failed to identify as female since the age of 9 to 11, and that he began living as male at age 15. Reimer later went public with his story to discourage similar medical practices. He later committed suicide, owing to suffering years of severe depression, financial instability and a troubled marriage.

This is the crux of the issue, when a person states that gender is entirely social construction. I agree with that entirely gender as we currently experience it is entirely social, HOWEVER I firmly believe that transsexuality is something outside the issue of gender, something currently lacking a word as gender was never our word to use. We merely borrowed it due to absence of appropriate language to explain fully our condition. Gender is a word for the social roles a person experiences daily, we need a word that better fits the lived realities of people rather than just more words of convenience. If we ever wish to gain full agency of our full bodies, if we are ever to break the stereotypes and attain the medical care we need to transition without judgement it’s time we took our bodies back. Found our own words, and showed the world we are human beings worthy of respect not an abstract theory of some quack, and sure as hell not something to be controlled.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, on words and wounds.


Ok this post isn’t gonna win me any popularity contests, is it not intended to. This post is to raise awareness of actions we as a community take that are detrimental to our own cause, and to others. Without further ado I introduce the list of stupid shit we DESPERATELY need to stop perpetuating.

1. hooo boy this is a biggie, Die Cis Scum, those 3 little words are hostile and threatening, yes odds are they were originally intended as a vent by somebody who had faced violence once too often, I understand that, but still . Words of violence are never an acceptable approach in any social justice movement, we don’t need shit like that to make our point, and all it will do is alienate and divide us from potential allies of many kinds, so please knock that shit off.

2. Cis in general. Seems harmless enough right? Wrong, regardless of what the word originally meant it is now taking on an entirely new meaning and being wielded as a dividing tool and a weapon. Our enemies have enough ammo to use on us do we really really need to make their bullets for them? In time the meanings of words often change, for instance once the word slut was a gender neutral term for an untidy person, and at that time had no sexual overtones. The manner in which it was used in later times changed that, same as the word Cis, regardless of intent has now become by basis of it’s usage derogatory and divisive.

3. Sex as a social construct. STOP, JUST STOP, there is so much wrong with this I don’t even know where to begin, sex is complex sure, but sex is no more a social construct than height , weight, , race, or species. Sure it comes with a lotta social roles and other crap attached against the persons will. That is not their fault, nor does it erase their identity . That person may need to transition due to other circumstances, they may not. That does not mean just because it can be altered that their sex is any more a social construct than any other physical attribute. Transsexuality is not about the social roles, nor is sex , and neither should be. So erasing a persons lived realities and oppressions by simplifying them down to social construction is downright insulting , destructive, and pointless.  time to stop the madness.

4. but, but, cotton ceiling. Please for the good of all that is sacred cut this shit out, some people aren’t attracted to particular genitals, this is not a fault it is an orientation, we can’t change that and should never be pressured to try. Peoples sexualities are as diverse as can be imagined, some people only desire certain attributes in their partners,  some people are attracted regardless of physical attributes, some myself included are attracted to nobody but will love a good mind, and some people can only get a boner over cars. This is their sexuality and they have a right to define it however they wish. However by the same token nobody has the right to make another individual feel lesser over said physical attributes, that is unacceptable too, but has fuck all to do with the bullshit theory that is the cotton ceiling. If you wish to talk about disrespect of a trans person do it, but quit using a rapey, creepy, theory that is about as watertight as the titanic to do so.

5. telling trans men/trans women you currently have male privilege.

I know male privilege exists however here’s the thing, Trans men do not experience it, they may experience the social pressures to conform to a male role, however unless that individual is extremely fortunate in how they appear to others they will not fit into that neat little pigeonhole of male, but fun fact nor do trans women. When a person transitions they forfeit any right to the privilege they may have have and are regarded as class traitors by many.  The human perspectives are intensely binary, when a person no longer fits either class in a way society deems acceptable they are pushed by default into the  less privileged of these 2 categories by the collective, but at the same time into a third category a ? group. People dislike an enigma and as a result both trans women and trans men alongside quite a lot of queer individuals are treated rather like a sub class. We cannot afford to divide ourselves over the presence of a privilege that none of us truly have, and may have been largely been experiencing the negative sides of from the day we were born, by coercion into a male role or a female role against our desire and without our permission.

6.This one is gonna get me a lotta hate, the dreaded bathroom meme.

If a person is trans and is not in transition then the debate should end there,they should be using a neutral facility, unfortunately idiots with victorian values block construction of such facilities. If a person is on the spectrum but is a transgendered individual who still identifies as a male and has no intention of ever being anything else they should use male facilities, male identified not transitioning == stay the hell out or use a gender neutral.

7. tranny, I’m reclaiming it.

2 words for that idea fuck and that, reclaiming a slur is immensely problematic for some of us, especially the ones who still hear that word spat at them on a regular basis. Reclaiming a word is a lovely theory, one that rarely works, and when it does it pisses off a lotta people that you can use it and they cannot. If we are to let vile words die out we need to stop using them and call others who use them until they eventually fade away. Otherwise the end result  is the still hurtful and traumatic word being used and the victim being powerless to call them on it because somebody else in the community had to claim a hollow victory being able to use the slur themselves.

8. wbw space let me come in.

We aren’t the big bad wolf here, we are not doing our community any good by huffing and puffing and demanding entry at such events, nor by pushing for their closure, if anything is to change these events need to happen. We cannot and should never try to force change. Reasoned debate outside the events is a far more sensible and less invasive way of dealing with things than pushing our way in.

We are not thugs, so why act like it. If a philosophy entirely supports itself on exclusion of us then what good are we doing if we seek entry?

None, it’s like a gay man seeking to join Westboro baptist church. Trans exclusionary gatherings will never be a good place for us to be, and our presence will only lead to conflict  , our beliefs are too different.

Besides these women owe us nothing, they have their own issues to fight, many of which we can all agree on, We should accept that, aid on issues we can both agree with if we are welcomed, and if not just grant space. After all differences of belief do not mean total emnity, nor should they. Far better unlikely allies on so many feminist causes even if we differ on 1 point than at each others throats constantly.

Anyway I’m gonna stop now while I still have at least one reader left :p

Seriously , Fuck the bathroom debate.


This is doing my head in, week after sodding week the stupid bathroom debate comes round, and every time it ends the same way. Threats, misgendering, then it devolves yet further to the old fallbacks of misogynistic comments from self appointed allies of the trans community on one side, and the ever classic reversion to biological essentialism on the other.

Predictable as godwins law by this time, and it never achieves anything.For the record a lot of transwomen use the radar rooms (ungendered facilities designed for people with a valid reason they cannot change in communal facilities) when we go swimming to avoid precisely this bullshit, yet apparently even that isn’t good enough, I’ve been cornered on exiting the disabled toilets by 6 men who followed to “sort the fucking freak out” once before, thankfully I was saved after using the emergency chord to summon help, however for doing so as it was technically misuse I was fined.

What gave me away as trans? may have had something to do with using an ungendered facility mayhaps? Oh well past is past.

However given the distinct lack of ungendered facilities in most places it does produce problems, you ever try holding your bladder for hours at a time?  how about days? my current record is 2 days straight, and all this can be solved so simply , warning in advance this will sound crazy encourage construction of additional gender neutral facilities when building with private cubicles so nobody should ever see anything they don’t need to. Or even crazier, fit all bathrooms and changing areas with cubicles of a decent size, have changing outside said facilities be viewed legally as exposure in the same way as changing in the streets would be. That way nobody sees what they do not need to, people get to change in privacy, and nobody gets assaulted, while we’re at it how about fitting proper doors and walls to cubicles that don’t have a bloody half foot gap at floor level .

Rapist freed because their intended victim was trans.


My faith in humanity is dying, a swedish court just freed a man because his intdended rape victim was transgendered, I shit you not. The wonderful logic behind this move? apparently since she was trans, ergo not posessing a vagina she could not have been raped.

This woman was beaten, her pants ripped off, and the attacker then proceeded to attempt a full out attack. Mercifully for the victim a witness intervened , however the courts decided the man was trying to rape the woman,  they ruled that it was in fact a woman the man wanted to rape, not a ‘physical man’ and although the fact that the victim had undergone hormone therapy to change gender was considered, the court ruled there was no completed rape.

There you have it, a full blown sex attack is apparently cool in sweden, just ensure your victim is trans, as appatrently all transsexuals are unrapeable. I must send a memo to my rapist to appraise him he is in fact innocent it seems. Never mind the fact this basically strips humanity from us, no equal protection under law, it also opens up a huge ass can of worms, have they not realised yet, not all rape victims identify or live as female, they just provided a lot of rapists a get out of jail free card. Way to go sweden, we will remember your courts think so little of our humanity.

Mispronouning, gender therapy, and the fallout. (extreme trigger warning)


Quite a few people come to us to discuss the validity of our identity, that in itself would be fine, however the manner of approach is not.

“I respect you as a woman but……….” do you see the problems there? let me break it down for those who failed to grasp the issues.

Problem 1, but………. , this is fairly simple really, if you respect somebody as who they are would you really need to add the but?, let’s rephrase it a little, “I respect you as a human being but…….” How about “I respect your opinion but……..,” try “I respect you as not a complete asshole but………” Now once more with feeling do you respect my identity or not? adding a proviso to respecting my identity just shows me you have about as much respect for my identity as is convenient for you at the time, it tells me your respect for me is worth precisely jack shit.

Problem 2. If you respect me as a woman why would you need to validate it in such a way? would you go up to a white hetero non trans individual and say “I respect you as a white hetero non transsexual”? didn’t think so, why not? because if you respect a person then you don’t just play lip service to respect, you respect a person in your actions. So we reach my problem, in many communities the but mentioned earlier is added , “I respect you as a woman but you are not a woman” being the usual one . So you respect my identity yet you are now going to completely invalidate it? So respectful. Here’s the kicker though, did you know when you say those words to a trans woman, or tell  a trans man you are not a man you are not the first person to tell them that?

It is standard practice in the gender clinics to remind all trans women of this fact throughout the process, because believe it or not, despite whatever you may have been told gender transition is an actively discouraged practice within the NHS.

Transition takes usually a minimum of half a decade, during that time do you assume we are helped? no, what happens during that time is all the indoctrination of a childhood, all the misoginy, all the bullshit, neatly compressed into 5 years. During transition you don’t get forced into present day gender roles, you get pushed back into roles better suited to the 1940s. Dress adrogyne, refused treatment, dress too masculine, rejected, dress like any other woman on the street and you’ll be told you’re not even trying.

Ever been refused medical care because your eyebrows weren’t waxed? I have, have you ever had a medical professional laughing behind your back as you walk away from hospital? How about having your records actively lost for over a year?

Oh also did I forget to mention the NHS have an additional requirement before hormones? a period of time living full time in role, that means going out every single day presenting as best you can as the gender you are transitioning to.

While this gender roles bootcamp is ongoing people outside the medical system decide to attempt DIY reparative therapy, corrective rape, assault, being spat on, cursed at, and publicly humiliated are day to day routine if you do not pass, and believe me no matter how good you are those first few months you will not pass.

Over recent years I have been assaulted over 30 times, had a knife shoved in my face twice, being sexually assaulted more times than I care to count , and being raped twice. After the second assault I couldn’t even go to the police again, I was crossexamined by a male officer after a sexual assault, who repeatedly mispronouned me, made it clear it was all my fault, and did fuck all to find my attacker.

My dentist is now advising me my jaw may need surgical correction for the sheer number of hits it has taken, it cracks every time it moves. All these attacks have one common factor, they all start with somebody guessing my birth sex, when you deliberately or accidentally use the wrong pronoun it isn’t big, clever, or harmless.

Those 5 little words are like a cork in a bottle of trauma, every time they are said all that pain, all those memories, all the nightmares spill out. I’m pinned again while that maniac holds a knife to my face and mutters how he thinks I’d like it if he cut it off then raped the wound. I’m back in the park, alone where I was ditched by people who used to be my friends, when they found out about my transition used those 5 little words. I’m surrounded again by 5 grown men all the other people around just walking by looking away, none of them will stick their neck out for me because “you are not a woman” Those words to a trans woman are trauma incarnate. Still think mispronouning does no harm?

If so go back read again and think about it a little, then come back and talk to me I’ll be happy to do so in a respectful and polite manner, however if you mispronoun me I reserve the right to be pissed off.

The Third Person


Who is this third person,

who follows me into the room?

I’m sure I heard them mention her,

which never is good news.

When they mention her, it costs me my autonomy

they even mix the pronouns up,

and take away identity..

Does she get to decide for herself?

when to eat?

when to sleep?

what to do with her health?

All through they never really offer a voice,

they must decide for her,

that isn’t her choice.

why can’t she dress up more?

try looking the part?

like the roles all that matters,

right from the start.

Maybe more frilly clothing?

and a big plastic grin?

what is she a barbie?

I think deep within.

They seem to dullwitted,

to just understand

that the roles are not really the issue at hand,

It’s like your damn body,

has a weird second head,

they could try to fix it,

but slap on makeup instead.

Or just try to hide it,

with false smiles and a dress,

they’re too foolish to see,

the bodies the mess.

Isn’t surgery drastic?

they ask every time,

like she hasn’t the right ,

to make up her mind.

Must be a desire to belong, they all say,

to a community that hates her?

oh no fucking way.

Next they try taking,

her pets and her home,

supported accomodation,

for not playing the role.

Comorbid Autism,

a wretched excuse,

for taking a persons freedom to choose,

I just wanna scream,

why can’t they see?

instead of a magic third person

try talking to me.

The Echo cave


hello……….

echo………..

just goes to show,

the less you know,

the more vocally you show it,

didn’t we all just know it all along.

Hello…………

Echo………….

listen here’s the thing,

we aren’t one big patriarchal sting,

We’re actually human beings,

ya never would have thought it,

or ever would have bought it ,

still the truth.

Hello…………..

Echo……………

We didn’t wanna fight,

We aren’t just men in tights,

or butches in denial,

and even if we were,

that wouldn’t make the hatred right.

Hello……………

Echo…………….

Seems no matter what we say,

you just want us to go away,

and leave your hatred circlejerk intact,

but listen, here’s a fact,

no matter how you act,

the truths distorted by the echo cave.

Echo

echo

echo

echo

let go.

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